You'll always be a part of me

i forgot how hard it is to see my grandma..... and for that matter my dads family. i know that i don't want him around but its still hard sometimes.when i was getting ready to go out today i opened a drawer and how they got there i have no idea but both of his shirts were in there.. it wasn't my shirt drawer and under them were a stack of pictures.when i came out of my room after a mini melt down bill was talking about his boat. which i hate because his boat is named john henry. when i was little my dad used to pretend to be a horse and that was what he called himself. no joke. john henry. its just been a week of my mom talking about him and things reminding me of him.　　　　then i come here and hear you talk about addy and how much you miss her and it makes me jealous that you- her father miss her that much and i don't know if mine does. i don't know it i really want him to but i just kinda want to know that he thinks of us. my mom has been trying to drill the good things into my head since the wedding but i have them i can't handle this much of the same stuff over and over again.Driving here mypod on shuffle both these songs- my dad's songs came on.. its like fucking everywhere.My grandma appoligzes claiming the way he is is her fault, she has this look in her eyes. she is drained and he helped to drain her out so fast. she doesn't get that i want to hear about him as little as he wants to hear about me and k.

in his mind we are exactly how we were when he left.but can i blame him. In my mind he is just how he was that day he broke in.